childish

the article below can only be read by those whose 18++ years and above
becuz it might contain hazardous illusions created by the blogger !!
hehehehehe ( she’s just trying to confess wat’s in her heart n mind )

when i was browsing back the emails i sent when i’m 15 and 16 years old, when i read back i dun believe wat i’ve written is so childish..like kindergarten kids arguing and teasing my friend..barely recognised it’s actually me who did sent out those emails…hehehhehe

well jenny eng tsai ch’ang here is always childish(yes, NAIVE is the most suitable word ) i mean in cantonese " tien zan"

she thought everything is as simple as ABC and tat she can just say wat’s in her heart and tat nothing will happen…she even think tat the world was flat ( well i just followed a book of course i know the world is sphere) she even thought bout telling someone something super important and serious tat it might actually influence my n someone psychological mental stuff and yet she asks someone to just forget bout it..wat can she do than just to ask someone to forget it there’s nothing more she can do dy…especially these days, these boring and nothing to do spirit after the stpm spirit it suppose to be a fun and thrillin and exciting time to enjoy ourselves…wat she did and she didn’t do it purposely, it just came like tat,just like tat :is tat she cries every night to sleep…she can’t control it..too much things n stuff n thoughts n feelins all invading her mind …poor brain!!! she’s jobless, moneyless, everything also -less la ( except brainless coz if she is she’ll not be here bloggin, so u’re brainless instead yes u the one readin now…hehehehehe just joking le..thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and ur time to actually to get to know more who am i and care for me )

so i will learn to be selfish…cause being a kind-hearted n a good person will not survive in this evil society i must say…u be good to ppl doesn’t mean ppl will be good to u..they’ll treat u just like tat …a piece of shit or even worst "a swimming water float - in chinese " i rather ppl treat me like a piece of shit because at least i know tat person really hates me and so tat i can take pre caution and just make them vanish in my world but then those who treated me as a "water float" SUPER pretender!!!!!!!!!!!!!, pretend to be good to me and just take advantage of me to do stuff n then just kick me out and dun bother me anymore…well if YOU wanna pretend to be good to me and PREteNDED to be my friend then just save it to urself and be an OSCAR or even GOLDEN GLOBe award ,dun waste ur talent and just flush it to the "salty water sea" or on me le i dun wanna be HURT by ur stupidly childish act tat’s causing and wasting my tears !!!

cry myself to sleep

these days are stpm trial so just gonna have a short bloggin time here…trials started 5/9 to the next wednesday the strange thing is since 4/9/07 everytime i finish revising n preparing myself to bed, i actually cried n i dunn quite figure the reason of me doin this …but it felt good when i slept coz it’s like releasing of stress , a heavy burden on my shoulder just vanish like tat…though stpm is still around the corner..continuosly i cried for two nights to sleep then yesterday i just pop two chocolates while i was studying nothing happen when i was going to bed coz i slept at 1am preparing for bio exam …i guess too tired to cry so just sleep till next morning…mayb i guess it’s him n i miss him so much…i dunno the truth n now i’m creating illusions as though he’s mine n i kept having those images when i’m studying…so should i tell him the truth n ruin everything?? or just keep quiet ?? or should i wait till sept 8 to decide how should i deal with this feelins?? summore i think these days there’s a gap between me n my friends as though we can’t really click n communicate like we used to be..i dunno wat happen,maybe its my problem or they r just trying to be different ..dunno ah just let it be but i’m suffering here…HELP !!!!

*jay zhou-a secret i can’t tell ( u noe which song i mean )

how's your heart today.

have your heart ever been hurt so deeply by you that you feel so sad and depressed???? crying and crying till you can’t even hold your tears back and stop crying

well that happened to me today, my heart ache so much that i can’t stop crying bout it.. i try to hole my tears back,control my emotions till i reach home from school…i quickly run to the toilet and start crying and sobbing.. the worst part is i have to do it quietly so that my family doesn’t know that i’m crying..i tried to stop crying but just can’t cause it’s just heart breaking…i really feel like and IDIOT..

i’ve decided to tell cheng yee tomolo that if she ever see me cry suddenly in school, i don’t want her to ask me why and wat happen..all i want is just a hug and tell me that everything is going to be fine and ok..i always watch those fairytales & movies that have a happy ending, hoping one day i’ll have my own happy ending but i guess i haven’t even found the right story yet.

i guess july is the month i don’t feel really really really happy…it’s just the beginning of the month and many things had ady happen..plus tomorrow’s the day i lost my memory..the past and everything tat had been happening wil be gone forever..it;s time to start a brand new life..so i hope i’ll be strong to face the world..i hope so ande ( Today is THE DAY )

-katharine mcphee-over it-

Perfectionist, i think i'm just talking crap which i dun understand myself, emergency breakdown i meant cry

well today i had a super bad n tired day..firstly i rememba myself since yesterday before goin to bed to take my tuition chem notes tomolo and at the end i left it in my mum’s car…dong me la..arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…kononnya we had gotong royong in school today and me and ah loo kinda painted alot of walls today n super tired,,,,squat then stand and almost every part of my hand n clothes are covered with paint..when we go for kasturi tuition the counter guy ask apa hal ?so i just say we mengecat dinding sekolah..he said wah hebat ah perempuan tau mengecat i was like mestilah kita orang ni superwoman…hehehehehe
omg our legs n hands are super super super tired..anyway thanks pn khoo for that pack of nasi goreng plus egg…it’s delicious
afta tat got one more hour only can go home so decided to go back to class n rest for a while,class had become super clean so not upper six science two la well anyway i can feel and finally breathe fresh air in the class when i first open the door..boy i like it so much…then went to the toy-let to clean myself la all those silly paints luckily it went off,just need to scrub it harder…met suyen and we actually chat in the toilet…well it’s the best place to gossip rite…hahahahaha su yen so sorry ah when u tell me sumthing bout * i really dunno wat reaction i should give you as i really dunno wat m i thinking tat time so i chosen to actually ignore….and to pretend that i know it all…at tat time i really like i’m having self-esteem collapsion n really wanna burst out u know..but i just tahan n tahan…..even till in the bus to kasturi…but in the end i burst out in my house afta being scolded by my mum…the silly part is i’m crying and i’m moping the floor…well i just cried alot this year..seriously last year and those previous years i seldom cry le….
anyway i thought for a while in the bus le,as always when i got nothing to do i’ll start to think stewpid unrational stuff…
here it is….when u like or have a crush on someone,you really hope u can tell them but then u will always think twice before actually putting it on action..cause u fear that u maybe rejected..in that very second u decided to just keep it to urself and keep hoping,take it as a pendorong to keep goin to skul n one day maybe u’ll change their thoughts and start to accept u for who u really are but then there’s another thinking if u dun express out how u feel how in the world they know and besides that u r like giving urself false hope,a fairytale tat only will happen in our imagination and not reality…once said the more hope u put in something u’ll be hurt more when u discover things just don’t go as wat u hope for…so tell me should we just lie to ourselves and keep imaginating or just express out n take a risk,who knows wat will happen ????
i wish to be a perfect someone and a perfect daughter with perfect hair and looks, with perfect confidence and perfect smile not to forget perfect attitude and personality, plus perfect friends tat always be there for me,perfect family to hang on whenever i need advice n love,perfect someone that understands me and tell me everything’s gonna be ok and a perfect special someone to tell me that they love me for who i am..but this perfect life will never ever happen in this world cause when something’s too perfect there’s no surprise and colours in life…if perfection really makes u happie,are u willing to trade something to change ur life forever?
things just don’t go as wat i thought it should be, how i guessed it would be? from now on i know my life had really really changed not by trading sumthing but by changing the way i see and think on sumthing,look in different perspectives….

do you really mean it ?

well this holidays , did nothing than goin out to watch movies,bla n bla the normal wan la cause it’s just two weeks..well it’s goin back to school again and the real deal ’s goin to start..gonna work super hard for stpm..it’s the beginning to work hard..no more joking or playing around (though we like too to release our stress)

this holiday, the best thing is learning how to cook from my mum..i admit i’m almost 20 (though i dun like the number 2 , show’s u’re on earth for more than 10 years …eww so old)…but still dunno how to prepare a simple meal ..but now i know dy..i will not starve anymore in future…hehe..time flies super duper fast last year n this year..it’s dy the mid of the year guess wat i bet we’ll celebrate CNY very soon..

back to the topic..we chat n IM most of the time rite..do u ever wander or think tat everytime you reply a HAHAHAHA or a HEHEHEHE or a MUAHAHHAHA or LOL…do you guys really mean it ? i know it’s just an expression to make the conversation more interesting but dun u just feel really useless and crazy to just type a Laugh Out Laugh when u’re not..i mean u dun even feel like smiling how in the world u laugh out loud ??

i guess i’m just dried out of stuff to write here..let me just get a few more lrt rides than i’ll figure wat’s happening in my brain n i’ll jot it dow..seriously i’m doin a lot of life thinking in the lrt..that’s the weird me..

melodi-lim yu zhong n sheila majid

a BORING teacher's day turned out to be A fun and Exciting one

before i start everything..i wanna thanks my mum for buying me a new handphone..love u super super super super much…muacks!! hey dun u think i’m talking bout my school teacher’s day celebration turn into a fun and exciting one..today the celebration is just like last year…same same boring and boring..haiz.. this morning when i arrive to skul it’s like super lonely and boring cause most of my friends also skip skul..then i saw beatrice tieing ribbons of those pens which she’ll give teacher as teacher’s day presents..so i helped then nothing to do la…waited to be seated under the hot sun then suddenly beatrice said why dun we go see the lower six practice their dance..sure i go cause it’s useless sitting in the canteen foyer n under the hot sun plus u can’t see anything happening on the stage..

then sit around with the lower six where they practises their dance where i got to know that soon jun is called UNCLE JUN..it’s way more cooling than the stewpid canteen foyer…well i fast forward to the best part..afta the break, teacher had their telematch which is one word..LAME..when the teacher’s havin their telematch..i taught rashini to sing " AT The Beginning" song so that she can sing it to eliza and make eli angry ( i won’t tell the reason cause when u know it, it’s super funny and you’ll know why i taught rashini to sing tat song) plus hot from oven news..rashini crush on our new muet teacher..A..L…E..X..she kept talkin and praising bout him..RAshini…

then we have our own game playing also..we gather most of the lower six n upper six to play games..first we play the hitting game but it’s not excited cause the lower six go too slow, so it’s not fun ..then tony ( the lame) suggested we play another game which is follow the leader

super fun that game..afta three rounds ,those who lost we boo them so loudly..haha..then we did the st john clapping ( the more we get together ), then the best one i think is the dancing one when we get to meet new friends and change partners afta every dance..that was the BEST!! then it’s time to go home…well we kinda continue playing another game which is" i’m jenny the jelly game "( sorry i dunno wat’s the name) then we did the energizer..finally i know how to differentiate ( not the maths one ) the two twins :-mun hoe (dun forget u owe me a drink..) n mun keat..hope we still can get together and play games again..it’ll sure be fun..

then it’s really the time we go home..i had mcdonalds YEAH!! with my family..got my haircut..well i can’t wait for monday to come cause it’s pirates of the carribbean day…

( still haunted by the past experience-confessing)

-just so you know by jesse mccartney-

lesson of the day:: don't ever trust any stories listen from others, i meant mua

i’m here to comment bout the post on "why good ppl always ended up in bad way "…well today during assembly today, a friend told me..jenny i thought he got beaten up by 4 yes is FOUR ppl only la and he’s not hospitalized la…the truth is yup he just got beaten up by FOOooUR ppl only and he’s now doin super fine…and it’s not as bad n terrible as we thought bout it…so the moral value of this story is never trust on any stories ppl tell,i know they are being kind but just listen and forget bout it,dun trust too much on these stories unless u listen it from the person itself…

as always i gotta stay back in skul till 3pm, waiting for my mum to pick me up in my school…so went for lunch with kk,small aw,stephanie,soon jun and the HOSPITAL BAHAGIA WONG TAI…(u know who u are) then small aw told us lots and lots of stories and not to forget the WONG TAI’s expression and reactions on every story..and this all made me realise one thing :::COMMUNICATION

through communication, u understand a person better, just try to spend a few minutes just to say hi or even bye it’s part of the communication thing..by doin this,at least that person knows that u care as a friend..but sometimes it’ll get freaky and scary also..i’ve been thinking just now if one day ,i reach school early in the morning and start saying good morning n give them a big smile to everyone no matter they are my friend or strangers,it’ll be like a pscyho girl doin stupid stuff,smilling one kind like weirdo( tat’s wat the strangers will think bout me la)…so i think i’ll just stick to the old plan just do it to all my friends..SINCERELY

i sometimes think that i’m actually good in observing things and ( i’m not perasan-ing)..i mean not those science experiments, just normal daily routine, n ppl’s actions..and that makes me a BUSYBODY…i know tat

uniform sucks

i really think that wearing school uniform makes me look fat…and i don’t think i can find my confidence when i’m in my school uniform…i’m much more confident with myself when i’m not in uniform..
well this coming friday is our school teacher celebration, same like last year my school cochrane will celebrate it with those sajak and syair and chorus speakin. malay songs and there isn’t any hightlights for dance or anything like pudu girls school last time..so cheng yee and lina n pei yei asked me that thursday whether to ponteng on that day n go to watch pirates of the carribean 3 in jusco cheras selatan then after movie straight to sing k…that’s totally a good plan to enjoy ourselves after the examination..i’m still thinking whether my parents allow me to skip school a not..hmmm
well yesterday i got my maths n chem marks for the mid year exam, well i reach the target i set before the exam n i manage to reach it..if u asked, my target is just to pass all the exam as the teacher only inform us a week before the exam..so i just got 32 for my chem n 52 for my maths..kinda disappointed in my maths cause i told myself because i wanted a higher marks for my maths,i want to show my maths teacher that i’m able to get an A for my maths for stpm…as for chem i’ll work harder for the next test which is the trials…trials then the real deal,stpm..then for bio i don’t dare to put so much hope on it…a pass will do,for pa i hope i’ll get an A but then i got 18 wrong for my paper 1 which is quite difficult to get an A not cause i don’t think i did well in my paper 2 although we got tips from next door..

is it really that difficult to just tell someone that u like and u r interested in them ? well last time i got this thinking that if u like a person just tell him cause who knows he might feel the same way too..so i confessed but then i got rejected so now i change my thoughts, things are not that easy and simple as wat it seems..u gotta consider all the consequences before making an important decision..i asked for my friends opinion whether to just tell him how i feel, one say don’t tell cause it’ll show like u re desperate for love and a guy.just let him come to you,show some signs.but then another say just tell him cause it’ll do no harm,if he give a no then just lead back to your normal life and just be friends but then in my point of view , once u confessed n if he rejects then i don’t think it’ll be like last time, the closeness in a friendship..i’;m sure bout that

sitting in the lrt on my way to chemistry tuition today, i think a lot bout all the life stuff..my parents kept telling me ,relationships in school life will never last forever..how true is that ?? there are just so many different point of views from different walk of life…then when there are too many choices , how do u choose and make sure that the choice that u made is right when u can’t see how the future is ?

i do see * but i just pretend i don’t…i do dislike * but i just pretend i like..so does that make me a good pretender ?

why good ppl always end up in bad way

today, it’s the most shocking and sad day,one of my friend got beaten up from a gang of 10 students from other school for no other reasons…why?? why him,i mean he does no harm to anyone,why tat gang of students pick him as their victim ?? and now he’s lying in the hospital…i feel so sorry for him…wish this had never happen to him cause he’s indeed a very good guy..it was a shocking news when i heard from his class teacher tat he’s hospitalized for being beaten up…why this world is so unfair??? i wish GOD knows what to do with that gang of students and make sure tat they pay for what they ‘ve done …and that SERVES THEM RIGHT…summore there’s no one helping him even though it’s a bus stop full of so called malaysian citizen…Malaysian ppl super stingy n selfish,they dun even wanna help my poor friend or go to the nearest police station which is a stone throw away to seek for help…they just left him there lying on the floor with blood …Hope you get well soon….

the Most "Funny" thing ever happen in my life

Life is so d*mn funny…i know my mid-year ezam is just next week n i’m sitting in front of my computer and bloggin….WHAT AM I THINKIN!!!! and someone who actually say she’s not a * turn out she is one of *…(sorry la i really can’t tell wat’s that)..a few days ago when i was chatting with my friend, she told me how her friends actually dun like her..she got to know from other friends which happen not from her gang, she dunno whether she wants to trust this friend a not that her gang actually dislike her..the world is full of good fakers..they just fake anything,smile and everything to survive in this society,if u dun fake u r abnormal…so i just advice her to pretend like nothin had ever happen,and so she ask " then i’ll be like them one of the faker?" it’s REALITY…then sometimes i wander whether when someone tell me that they hate being like this and like tat but from my point of view they actually are like as wat they say they dislike being..something in me just ask me to shout out, tell and say wat’s really in my heart and mind, just tell the truth and no more secrets or thinkings or so wateva cause keepin them in me and just can’t share or burst out everything is so torturing..i really wanna just spit everything out but there’s still some part of me scare of wat will ppl think of me when i tell them..i kept tellin myself not to care bout wat other ppl say or think bout me but i’m still scare of it ..

i’ve been asked " jenny why u r always happy and problems-free? i dun seem to see any day that u’re down or sad ?" till this day i dun always bring my emotions to school or in front of my family cause i dun want to be pity or sympathized by them..but is this good or bad ? to me all i need is just a hug, a long 1..so i really thank my friend who always hug me..i know i dun wanna tell her wat’s in me , what’s happening to me and i also dun wanna to burden her with my problems so all i need is a hug..thanks my dear friend and u know who u r..UR hug will be my strength to overcome my problems..

ever feel like talking to someone but they actually not listenin to wat u say at all..that’s y i think i am an idiot talking alone when * not listening..i got lots of experiences in this kind of situation..for exp *can chat with u like u both are best of the best friends ever and now just because u r little not popular than other ppl suddenly * can stop talking to u and now wat u ask or tell * ,i dunno whether * pretend not to hear it or just dun care bout it…………………………time can really change alot of things , it might be from good to bad or even bad to good…

life

Life…how’s life lately ? simple, difficult, stress, torturing or just anything u can think bout..difficult life, end it just like that it’s not an easy thing, it’s easy to sumtimes wander n thought bout it but wat when it comes to the action part,,,are u willing to just let go everything you have now ? your family, friends, memories n experiences and those new and special moments n feelings to venture along ur life. Easy life..just tell me how easy ur life is? even the easiest life a human lead have to go through lots n lots of decision making problems…take an example..a beggar.u think beggar just receive ur money n do nothing…hey they need to think of ways to beg u for money, using psychology tricks…now i know life is not easy or difficult..it’s super duper super crazy..LIFE..when you have sumthing u dun appreciate but when u lose it, you desperately find for it, ask your friends when’s the last time they saw it, begging ur friends to search along n how these n that…and that’s LIFE…

Life…when you are allow to do something u dun even wanna move but when you are not allow to, you want it so badly until sumtimes you wander why you cant get this n tat?

have all you think bout wat if each and every of ur friend is true to u ? have u ever think that wat they say is actually wat they dun mean it? do u always take precaution not to believe wat all ur friends tell u bout ? 50% of it are just lies…or more than that..you’re the judge..whether u wanna just let it be and act like nothin happen, it’s either u r the one who has to "gulp" everything or u just honestly tell your friend that they are like this and that so that they can be a better person when they are around u..THAT"S TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE..Dilemma that’s life also..so just accept the fact that life is life, you can’t choose or change destiny or fate…wat’s yours is always yours no one can ever take it away from you but when wat’s not yours just go on with your life, LIVe Life to The MAX